Re: Just feel like venting

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Posted by PreshusSmurf

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Posted by DNicholes

I will admit I always learned if you RSVP'd no to a wedding, you should send a gift but much much less then what you would normally b/c your "plate isn't being used".....our norm for gifts when RSVPing no...would be $75 which I think is generous for not attending the wedding.

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Many people are taught this. Its the "nice" thing to do.

But not everyone subscribed to this school of thought, which is why I still do feel that any gift given by a non-attendee is still GENEROUS.

98% of our guests who didn't come to the wedding didn't send a gift.

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Re: Just feel like venting

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Posted by MrsQ-in2007

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by loislane

No offense but from the looks of your mansion in your profile pics it looks like you can afford the 400. If you are going to black list someone for a 50 dollar gift maybe you should send it back to them.

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I'd say that's a perfect use of that emoticon!!!

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Re: Just feel like venting

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Posted by DNicholes

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Posted by PreshusSmurf

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Posted by DNicholes

I will admit I always learned if you RSVP'd no to a wedding, you should send a gift but much much less then what you would normally b/c your "plate isn't being used".....our norm for gifts when RSVPing no...would be $75 which I think is generous for not attending the wedding.

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Many people are taught this. Its the "nice" thing to do.

But not everyone subscribed to this school of thought, which is why I still do feel that any gift given by a non-attendee is still GENEROUS.

98% of our guests who didn't come to the wedding didn't send a gift.

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I never said everyone is subscribed to this school of thought, I said "I always learned"

I wasn't saying it's wrong for people not to send a gift,

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Re: Just feel like venting

Coming from someone who got $50 in cash for a family of 4 from a few people at our wedding, I'd say that was generous of them.

They didnt come to the wedding so technically they didnt have to send anything at all.

They also took time out choosing stuff from your registry which is thoughtful. They could have just sent a $50 check and be done with it.

Dont end a friendship over something so small.

Re: Just feel like venting

I dont know...I kind of feel like whether or not someone attends the wedding should not have anything to do with whether or not they give a gift. IMO I am giving someone a gift to celebrate this joyous occasion in their life, not because I went to their wedding and they had to pay for my plate. We got a lot of gifts from people that werent even invited to the wedding...some spent more than people who actually attended. There is no rhyme or reason...people give what they feel they can, but I dont think anyone should feel obligated to give more than they are able to.

Re: Just feel like venting

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Posted by MJDoc12

Soooo because they didn't give you a gift that was equal to or more than what you gave them, it means the friendship is over???

How do you know their financial situation right now? Maybe they SEEM to have $$ and they don't and they wanted to send something anyway.

I know everyone is different but I really do NOT and NEVER WILL understand the concept of "I gave this much and they are supposed to give us something of equal or more value in order for it to be okay".

Its like they are damned if they do and damned if they don't. I would hope you wouldn't end an entire friendship over a gift you deem too cheap.

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Re: Just feel like venting

This is a good friend of DH's, they owned a business together at one point.

I guess he just feels that since we gave him their gift first they should of been smart enough to say to themselves, lets put this aside because their wedding is in a few months.

I duno i guess we are odd that we think that way.

Re: Just feel like venting

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Posted by TheFutureMrsM

This is a good friend of DH's, they owned a business together at one point.

I guess he just feels that since we gave him their gift first they should of been smart enough to say to themselves, lets put this aside because their wedding is in a few months.

I duno i guess we are odd that we think that way.

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Re: Just feel like venting

I wouldn't write them off for sending you a $50 gift despite the gift that you & your DH gave them. You don't their financial situation that they are in and technically since they didn't attend your wedding & RSVP'd that they wouldn't be attending they didn't have to send a gift.

Re: Just feel like venting

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Posted by MJDoc12

Soooo because they didn't give you a gift that was equal to or more than what you gave them, it means the friendship is over???

How do you know their financial situation right now? Maybe they SEEM to have $$ and they don't and they wanted to send something anyway.

I know everyone is different but I really do NOT and NEVER WILL understand the concept of "I gave this much and they are supposed to give us something of equal or more value in order for it to be okay".

Its like they are damned if they do and damned if they don't. I would hope you wouldn't end an entire friendship over a gift you deem too cheap.

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Re: Just feel like venting

HMMM IM sure this would annoy A LOT of people but I dont think its a reason to write someone off. Thats just crazy. Id be more upset and would wanna know why they couldnt make it if theyre such good friends like you say. Anyway, the minute I read your vent I knew this wasnt gonna be a clean discussion. The topic of "expecting" wedding gifts always causes drama.

Re: Just feel like venting

I wasnt going to chime in but I think I will.

While I dont THINK you should write them off for not sending you the same gift you sent them I can definitely see how it would be annoying or upsetting to DH.

I have always tried to reciprocate and give what I have been given or vice versa.

But you have to consider that they may have other *personal* things to attend to and Im sorry if I am having money problems (no I wouldnt be telling my friends this) I sure as helll would pay my bills first. Sorry. A roof over my head, etc. is more important then reciprocating a gift.

And we all say its etiquette to send a gift when we dont attend, I want to know how many people knew this info before htey got married? Or before they signed onto this site? I know I didnt know that and no, I didnt send a gift for weddings I didnt attend and truthfully unless the person is a very good friend of mine I wont send a gift either.

You have to keep in mind that no one knows what someone is going thru until we have walked a mile in their shoes. So you dont know where/what the reasoning is but neither you or anyone else for that matter can question why they didnt reciprocate.

That is how I feel, I know you were venting your frustrations and that is fine but to write a friend off for that is pretty low IMO. That shows how "good" of friends they really are if he just shrugs at the thought.

ETA: I had people come to my wedding and not even give us a card......guess what, Im hurt that a card wasnt given but they are still my friends.

Message edited 8/28/2008 7:27:49 PM.

Re: Just feel like venting

just to clarify, i'd be at least a little disappointed but not enough to write off the friendship

edit: like someone above said, i'd be more upset they couldnt come

Message edited 8/28/2008 10:00:23 PM.

Re: Just feel like venting

Just my 2 cents, but it was nice that they got you a gift off your registry.. that was thoughtful.. We got less than we gave people for their wedding and it made no difference to us..

Re: Just feel like venting

well, i have to say that they said no, they owe you nothing.

you have no idea what is going on with them right now. Not everyone has the foresight to put aside money for your wedding....your wedding is not everyone's priority.

Let's even give them credit and say they did - what happens when they wind up with a flat tire on the way home from work and need 2 new tires. that 'your wedding' fund goes away right away...i'm sorry - but that is reality.

i know dh & I live check to check (not something we're proud of - but reality is reality). we don't put money aside for weddings we attend. some people get a gift right away - some people don't, it depends where we are that week.

if you & he are willing to write off the friendship because they did something that they didn't have to at all - then maybe you need to re-think the friendship to begin with.

Re: Just feel like venting

This is the kind of post that will ALWAYS get mixed responses...heres mine...

Well, heres my question..
Do you know their financial situation? Do you know for sure that they have lots of $$$ and just decided to be cheap with a gift cuz they felt like it? If you answered yes then I would be upset too..however, if they dont have much $$$ I wouldnt be terrible upset... You may have been able to afford the $400 gift but perhaps they couldnt. Like I said, I would only be upset if they have a 3 story house brand new cars..a great jobs paying very well...otherwise I wouldnt stress it...

Re: Just feel like venting

My MOH brought a date and gave us nothing. Does that mean that when she gets married and I'm in her wedding I should not give a gift?

It's not give to get. They RSVP'd no and didn't come so a $50 gift is a bonus IMO.

If they rsvp'd yes and didn't show and sent $50 I might be upset cause I had to pay for them even though they didnt come. But since they rsvp'd no, I don't think it's wrong at all.

Re: Just feel like venting

If you didnt want 50 dollars worth of bakeware then why would you even put in on your registry if you thought it was cheeezeeee..... It is very nice of them to take the time out and buy from your registry rather than send you a check for 50 bucks.


Honestly I dont remember who gave me what amount on my wedding day...I didnt keep track of dollars. I was just thrilled that almost everyone came and had a good time. The gifts were just extra. To be honest. I wouldnt think all high and mighty because you gave a 400$ gift. Its about the average gift these days. JMO

Message edited 8/28/2008 11:03:06 PM.

Re: Just feel like venting

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Posted by TheFutureMrsM

This is a good friend of DH's, they owned a business together at one point.

I guess he just feels that since we gave him their gift first they should of been smart enough to say to themselves, lets put this aside because their wedding is in a few months.

I duno i guess we are odd that we think that way.

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